Being single and being on retreat

Being on retreat, I had a chance to pray, read and talk with some of the good Benedictine nuns at Tyburn.

One of the nuns said a startling but true thing which I want to share. She stated that when single women, even those who have been working of their spiritual life while in the world enter, “they have to start all over again.” Basically, the nun noted that those of us in the world as singles do not have a clue as to how little our efforts create merit or growth.

Why?

There are two reasons. The first is that singles are not living in a community or daily in commitment with a husband or wife, and therefore can deceive themselves as to the level and growth of their personal holiness. I have said something like this before on this blog, but to have an spiritual authority state clearly that one cannot grow in holiness in a vacuum was a clarification and completeness to what I have believed. The point is that living day to day in committed relationships is earth-shakingly different than living on one’s own and meeting with a counselor or spiritual director occasionally.

The second reason is that one needs a vow, to be committed fully to something or someone.

Again, I have written about this here and received both affirmation and censure. The point is that a vow gives grace which one does not have without that vow.

Grace follows grace and either in marriage or in the consecrated life, one receives grace upon grace not accessible in the single state.

 Like the works of St. Thomas Aquinas, or Augustine, the writings of Bernard of Clairvaux give us endless spiritual milk to drink on these points.

In his sermon, On Humility and Patience, Bernard writes this, “Some endure humiliation with bitterness, other with patience, others again with gladness. The first class are culpable, the second are innocent, the last are just. Although innocence may be considered a part of justice, still the perfection of justice belongs to humility. Now, he is truly humble who can say from his heart, ‘It is good for me that Thou has humbled me.’”

Someone in the single state does not have the chance for either the first or the second type of humility, unless God intervenes directly and humbles the person over and over and over again. This is possible, through hardships, loss of work, illness and isolation.

In this series of sermons on the Songs of Songs, Bernard refers to the rebuke given to the Bride by the Bridegroom. The Bridegroom casts out the Bride is she is ignorant of herself. “If thou know not thyself..”  The effect is one of terror. If we are not sometimes terrified, something is wrong in our spiritual life. To avoid the flesh, the earthly desires, and the temptations, one must know one’s self. Christ will cast us into dire situations in order for us to grow in self-knowledge.

God calls us out to the desert. Like the Bride, the soul endeavors to seek God in the emptiness. But, there must be rest in that emptiness.  St. Bernard continues, “…go forth from My sanctuary, which is thine own heart, where thou hast been accustomed to receive with rapture the hidden and holy impression of wisdom and truth.”

Note, however, that one cannot go out unless one has received. To do otherwise is not to be protected against the world and the devil. This point cannot be overestimated.

Several women around the table yesterday talked of being in the world “unprotected” by men. This is a dangerous world. They are all Europeans and all have experienced hardships brought about by the lack of one to protect them. Some of the experiences were neglect, spiritual and physical. Some involved violence. All involved rejection.

The Bridegroom, Christ, calls to them to healing and love. But, only in Him is this possible.  Christ calls them and all of us to knowledge and as this knowledge only comes through the Church and the Sacraments, it is in the Church we must seek healing and love. And, in the sacraments-this is a huge misunderstanding among Catholics. Only through the sacraments is there sanctifying grace.

We who read these posts and others which are similar have either been called by God or are being called by God. The second ignorance of self is to fall away after having responded to the call of God.

Now, Bernard is speaking to monks who have chosen the narrow way. He is speaking to those who have made vows. As one of the nuns said here yesterday, to take vows either in the religious life or in marriage is a completely different life-style than remaining, as she said, “floating around in the world”.  She knows herself because she is in a community as a late vocation. She knows herself because she daily follows Christ through the graces of her vocation. Her life changed when she made vows.

We have been given, as Bernard states, a “nature the power of intelligence is a special prerogative…” We do not follow the way of brute animals or stupidity. We do not follow hypocrisy, which Bernard calls heresy.  But self-knowledge comes on with the knowledge of God. This is the way-prayers, fasting, commitment, the sacraments, the Church.

If we follow God and come to know Him, we shall know ourselves.

St. Bernard, like myself, worries about those who do not fear God.  This brings us to wisdom. And love, brings us to perfection, one of my favorite themes.

But, as clear in the discussion with the ladies on the retreat, we must be enabled to both fear and love God.

I would always start with a regular confessor and/or spiritual director.  Regular confession creates an atmosphere for humility to grow.

Secondly, as the nun said yesterday, one cannot grow holy alone. It is impossible, and therefore, one must choose to surround one’s self with companions who also want to be holy. If one is surrounded by the worldly, one cannot grow. If one surrounds one’s self with worldly activities, one misses chances for reflection and holiness.

St. Bernard states that until our particular judgment, we do not know if we have become worthy of love or hate from God, in His mercy and His justice. “The soul has nothing to lose,” says the great saint, from humility, “no matter how low she bends.”

I am reading the life of Mother Adele Garnier, the foundress of the Congregation of Adorers of the Sacred Heart of Jesus of Montmarte.  She wrote that in 15 days, at one point in her later life, God healed her of sins and fears which she could not do herself. It was direct, in prayer, over a short period of time. But, she had made a vow and the vow brought grace. She also stated that because of the days in which she lived, ten years after being a religious, at an older age and some maturity, she had virtually no counsel from priests as she needed. She admitted in her letters that it was very difficult to find the right person to lead her.  One then goes to God, often, seriously, and insistently.

Sainthood for some is like an explosion of grace, for some a long process. But, in all ways, the Church is there, through the saints and the sacraments to guide us.

One need not look constantly at one’s progress of the soul. But, a steady work in progress, with others who are Catholic and mature, is necessary.

The nun said that singles think they are finding God and becoming holy and then when they enter or get married, they realize they have to start all over again. Starting all over again might bring despair, but it should, especially in the sacrament of marriage or in vows to a religious order, bring hope. And, hope, states St. Bernard, is the key to experiencing love and healing.