Here is a list which is a holiness check list. Here is my St. Paul
Garrigou-Lagrange makes it clear that trusting in Divine
Providence means that the secret, hidden meaning behind “hindrances, contradictions, reverses, disappointments, misfortunes,
and failures” which may involve either the disorder in our own lives or in
that of others, are all for a higher purpose in God’s perfect and permissive
wills.
The Dominican refers to these as part of “providential
schooling”.
Years ago, when something “bad” happened, I began to ask God
this question, “What do you want me to
learn from this, O Lord?”
Now, I frequently have the answer immediately. Something
which exericises my patience, and if for my good, is allowed by God.
I made up this check list for those who have a tendency to
only see the negative and who fall into complaining.
1) If
I am ill, do I complain at what is not being done, or am I patient and
submissive?
2) If
someone makes a snide or unkind comment, do I get angry or try to understand
the other person’s upset? Do I realize I deserve the unkindnesses for my sins?
3) If
a bank or billing company makes an error, do I patiently explain the mistake,
or do I get angry and snippy? Do I realize that people are no longer trained to
be efficient or careful? Do I feel for this lost generation, who have been
cheated by inferior schooling?
4) If
someone is late for a meeting, do I go with the flow and try to understand the
situation? Do I really know that my time is not more important than theirs?
5) If
someone is continually unkind to me, do I forgive immediately and constantly?
Do I respond in love and not judgment, knowing God forgives me constantly?
6) Am
I aware that a contradiction lies behind my responses and the seeming way to
perfection? Do I see that my responses point to my predominant fault?
7) Do
I use bad and stressful situations for opportunities for prayer? For example, I
do not have a car, so when I wait for a bus or ride, I say the rosary.
8) Do
I ask God to remove critical and judgmental language or even thoughts from my
memory, understanding and ask specifically for purification of the mind? Do I
judge myself, which is also sinful?
9) Do
I let people make mistakes instead of being a control freak? Do I let go of
things, events, people, in the daily course of my life? Do I respond in
spontaneity and goodness?
10) Am I
patient with others who have never experienced illness, poverty, degradation
and cannot understand the way of purification? Do I pray for the right words to
help them to understand?
This is my list. What is interesting in Garrigou-Lagrange on
the duty of the moment is that he writes that grace is sometimes a destroyer.
Yes, I have learned this. He notes, “…yet
it its workings within us, it does not destroy, but perfects any good there is
in nature, restoring and sublimating it. We may say of grace as was said of
God: ‘It killeth and maketh alive’ (1 Kings 2:6)
I “grew up” on Pere de Caussade. My favorite book in
graduate school was Abandonment to Divine Providence. I think I still have the
original copy I bought years ago, about 1979, or so in an old, used book store.
God was guiding me even then, but I was not paying attention
as I am now. I had so many things to do. I remember reading this book on a hot
summer’s day at Notre Dame, the campus all green and quieter, as summer school
had less students and less activity. The old, venerable book showed me that the
daily routine of my life was sacred, every moment was sacred. The Present Moment
is all we have, as de Caussade taught
me. The past was gone and the future totally in the Hands of God.
Garrigou-Lagrange writes this, which is connected to de
Caussade’s direction: “In the spiritual
order more than anywhere else real knowledge can be acquired only by suffering
and action. Though our Lord’s holy soul form the moment of His coming into the
world enjoyed the beatific vision and an infused knowledge, yet He willed also
to have an experiential knowledge which is acquired day by day and enables us
to view things under that special aspect which contact with reality gives when
they have been infallibly foreseen.”
For example, I had to sort out a bill which I paid and the
company made a mistake and did not put the payment on my account in a timely
fashion. Now, after this experience, explaining and being on the phone with
someone who was apologetic but was not the person who made the error, I
reflected as to why God allowed this in His permissive will. Simply, He does
not want me to deal with this company. I have a choice in this matter.
Sometimes we do not have choices. Sometimes the company is
connected to our job, or the only gas and electric company which serves the
area, or our apartment rental company.
The point is that the disorder, which comes from the
disorder of others, must be endured in peace and patience, as the entire
episode happens for our benefit. Yes, that is the lesson here. God allowed this
so that I would learn yet another level of patience and submission to His will.
The same day, I ran out of phone card credit and cannot use
my cell phone, which is a pay as you go type, or track phone. One of my best
friends was in the hospital and now at home. I am not free to phone her and see
how see is. This breaks my heart, but God has allowed this to happen, this
situation of poverty, so that I have to be detached even from consoling my
friend. I have to be detached from love
itself.
Some of my friends may not understand why I cannot phone
them. They have never not had enough money for phone calls, or not even not had
a printer, or daily use of the Internet, or a car and so on. God is in the details. Always.
I see a lot of compulsive buying in America Midwest and West. Some people change their
living room furniture yearly, re-decorating every single year. Some eat out
daily.
This mad desire for change shows missed opportunities for
waiting for God, for the freeing and growth of virtue, for dying to self and
just not having what one wants.
Most Americans do what they want, go where they want, eat
what they want, see what entertainment they want, wear what they want and so
on.
Trusting in Divine Providence is the lesson of denial of
self. For some of us, this is done directly by God. If I merely complain and
murmur, I would miss the lessons. I would try to control the situation by
looking for alternatives, even inconveniencing ones. That is not the lesson God
wants me to learn through these things.
Garrigou-Lagrange writes, “This is the school of the Holy Ghost, in which His lessons have
nothing academic about them, but are drawn from concrete things. And He varies
them for each soul, since what is useful for one is not always so for another.
…let us in all simplicity listen to what Providence has to say to each one of
us personally in these concrete lessons it gives. We must not treat this
doctrine in a purely material and mechanical way: it is a question of being
supernaturally-minded in everything, in all simplicity and without disputings
or foolish questionings.”
To reassure readers who may think that the only sufferings I
have experienced are trivial, like explaining a paid bill on the phone, let me
list a few things I have had to
endure in order to write with conviction this post. Like a mini-St. Paul, I can
state that hardships come to those who stand up for Truth and Christ. St. Paul
I did not get my doctorate because a famous university
staff, which dealt with a problem I exposed, told professors I was a whistle
blower for drugs being encouraged by a faculty member. I was blackballed as my
advisor then refused to help me finish my dissertation.
I was refused entry into a monastery at 36, as the Abbess
thought I was too old.
My son and I were abandoned when he was seven. I became a
statistical single mum. He became holy.
We fell into deep poverty and penury
I lost a job two days before Christmas one year with a ten
year old son to take care of on my own.
After applying for 96 jobs, I got a job in Canada
9/11 stopped the renewal of my visa there.
I had to declare personal bankruptcy.
I died and came back to life in one serious operation.
I contracted a thyroid disease, lung problems and cancer all
in one year.
My son had pneumonia five times and almost died three times
(scary), including once from being choked in the womb, from severe food
poisoning, and from untreated pneumonia. He had a post-viral disease as a child
which put him in a wheelchair for a year and a half, and more a bit later on
with a relapse Thank God, he was healed, finally, and is strong and healthy.
God taught him patience and empathy. God taught me I was not in control.
(In all of this, I home schooled, mostly.)
I was fired for speaking out against a renegade priest.
I was fired for having cancer and taking time off for
complications resulting from surgery. (Yes, this is legal in some states).
I had a knee operation which did not solve a problem.
I could not stay in a convent I loved because I am not
physically strong enough.
I was detained in prison for nine hours for wanting to visit
my son often, refused entry, sent away.
I have been homeless for almost eight months unable to find
work, thrown back into this country against my will, but in God’s will-His
permissive will to allow evil having power over us.
I have had severe pain in a foot for seven years, and no way
to have an operation, as there is no one to take care of me. I have asked God
to heal this tendonitis, but He has decided not to do so. So, this is God’s
Will.
This is an incomplete list. For all these things, I see the hand of God in my life. And the
blessings in friendships, meeting wonderful and holy saints, being taught by
those around me, even my son, outweigh all hardships, making these seem as
nothing.
In all of this, I have
learned to be content, even joyful in suffering. I have lots of practice to see that all of
these things work for the glory of God, the salvation of souls, and the
salvation of the souls of others. I pray for holy priests with my foot. I thank
God in my thoughts and love Him in my will.
Many people have had
problems. Many people grumble and murmur. I smile, now, when things go
wrong and ask God immediately “What is it
that I need to see here?” Some suffering is purgatory on earth, making up
restitution for my own many sins. Some suffering is a mystery.
In this mystery is a
quiet assurance that God is in charge, always.
‘It killeth and maketh
alive’ (1 Kings 2:6)
Now, I pray daily, “Thy Kingdom Come, Thy Will be done.”
There is no real happiness, joy or peace without being in
the perfect will of God. Even if He allows horrible things to happen, there are
reasons.
I have no bitterness and am reconciled to the past, looking
at the present moment always, and trusting in God for the future, doing the
best I can in every moment.
One reason, for now, is this
blog…so I can help others see that God
is Love, pure, sheer Love.
Sometimes, as St. Therese
writes, love is not felt; there is “unfelt love”. De Caussade writes, “O unknown Love! …no one sees that Your inexhaustible activity is a
source of new thoughts, of fresh sufferings, and further action…of new saints.”
Rest in the unfelt love. When one waits, love comes.
Here is a poem for today’s thoughts.
All for a higher purpose
Unseen, unknown, but
Sensed in love and quiet,
Hidden by light brilliant.
The soul waits for God,
For love, for the calm
Flight of the lark, the
High singing in the
Pale sky; in twilight,
When the locusts tell
Us of heat to come, or
Cold, winging their calls
Into the night. I do not see
But trust. I do not know,
But trust. God alone suffices.
Why? Because Love Is All.
Like the ebb and flow of
The insect song, or the cool
Breeze with scents of unseen
Flowers, so is Love. And, in
The mystery of darkness and
Light, He waits as well, for
Me to become holy so that
He can claim me as His own.
To be continued…