I was teaching three classes that last semester at two different campuses. In one of the classes, I had at risk students. These were students who were coming from families in which no one has been to college before, and there were special needs. Sometimes these students had a history of failures, and this was their last chance to pass core courses. Sometimes they were coming out of drug addictions, or abusive families.
In that class, there was a young woman who was struggling from day one. Despite tutoring and time management help, she could not keep up with the work. Her work was consistently substandard. She just could not manage the level and demands of the course.
One day, I called her aside. She was very upset at yet another failed paper. She was beside herself, as nothing, not extra attention or tutoring had helped. She was an unhappy person. I said to her, "This course is too hard for you. Why are you in nursing, which demands this course? How are you doing in your other courses?" She told me all the courses required for nursing were too hard for her. She was failing three classes. She told me that her college counselor and her family wanted her to be a nurse.
"What do you want to do?" I asked her. She looked at me surprised. "I want to work in a pre-school and be a teacher's assistant. That is what I really want to do, work with little children."
I told her that she should do what she wanted to do, what was on her heart. She told me that people wanted her to make more money, get a better, higher degree.
"You cannot do that, " I told her, knowing that she had neither the talents nor will for a more rigorous set of courses. "You are a wonderful person and you do not have to prove yourself to anyone. You can be and do what is in your heart," I said.
The young woman began to cry, "No one has ever talked to me like this before," she said. "No one has asked me what I wanted to do and what I could do. I felt inferior and that I had to do these hard things. No one has told me I was worth anything."
I told her to go down to the academic counselor's office and change majors. Her whole face lit up. It was as if a heavy burden had left her.
"You will be a good and happy person no matter what you do, but you must be who you are." I said.
She was so thankful, I could hardly keep from tears myself.
She was trying to be something she was not made to be. She was trying to please others and meet others expectations. She was not allowed to be honest with herself.
She needed permission to be herself.
Once it dawned on her that being a teacher's assistant was not only acceptable, but a good course for her to follow, she changed from a sad person into one with hope in her face. She knew what she was capable of doing, and I did as well.
I am sure she is happy being the person God created her to be.
Pretending to be something else than what one is created to be may be pride. It may be that no one has allowed one to be second best instead of the best. It could be that no one has touched the inner dreams, but only made someone else into another's own image and likeness. Parents do this. Some spouses do this.
Humility is self-knowledge. It is also freedom. This young woman was happy to be herself, and she was happy to be allowed to be herself. How many young people are forced into the image and likeness of their parents, instead of the parent really seeing who the child is and what talents God has given that person?
Affirmation cannot be imposed, but comes from humility-the humility of a student, a parent, even a teacher.
I have seen many young people ruined by their parents' expectations. I have heard the pain in their voices when they told me that their parents would pay for medical school, but not for something less, and they did not want to be doctors.
The tyranny of a parent's expectations can kill real talents. I know a man who is a very gifted artist. But, his family insisted that he would go into the family line of engineering. This man has never been happy with himself, or his role in society. He did not have the courage to buck the trend, to say, "This is who I am, a painter, not an engineer."
It is the duty of parents to pray and ask God to reveal the gifts of their children and then to cooperate with God in developing those gifts. Sometimes, there is too much family pride to admit that a daughter really wants to be a lowly (as her parents thought) teacher's assistant, and is made by God to work with pre-schoolers. Does it matter?
Being a parent is hard. One must be alert. One must be humble.
See also, http://supertradmum-etheldredasplace.blogspot.ie/2013/06/the-soul-in-dark.html
