Manners...the Lost Christian Legacy... and a Sign of Virtue in a Man
The sign of a protector male is that he is willing to suffer for another. Being mannerly can be a type of suffering as it is dying to self. Rudeness is egotism and narcissism. Predator men are rude-perhaps not at first-but the rudeness will reveal itself.
There are too many predator men and not enough protectors. Protectors have manners. One of the most delightful aspect of a truly Catholic man, who has given his life to God, is that he becomes more and more a protector. Hopefully, even if he has not learned manners at home, he acquires these. The old man, the Adam in him becomes the New Man, the Christ. Christ is the model for the protector. So is St. Joseph. Protectors are usually made so in families, but one can learn and change and become the kind of man God desires for His Kingdom. A protector wants to make a woman happy and peaceful. He wants to keep that woman happy and safe. That is a protector's goal.
I cannot imagine St. Francis or St. Francis de Sales being rude to a woman. I cannot imagine St. Edmund Campion or St. Maximilian
Kolbe being rude to a woman. I cannot imagine Blessed Pier
Giorgio Frassati being rude to anyone.
Such behavior as respect and manners, which may be called
chivalry, is achieved and must be sought after. It is not necessarily natural to some men. If one is raised as a wolf cub in a cave, one
must learn and achieve gentility.
Sadly, some priests are very rude. I find this disconcerting and odd
that a man who is set aside by God to be another Christ is rude and sometimes, specifically to women. I have witnessed this behaviour
from priests towards people many times since being here in Eire.
One of the most gentlemanly clerics I know has the last name of Knight. Do you think this is an accident?
OK, I am from a generation which learned manners. One learned to listen to others and share in conversations. As a woman, I expect men to help me with heavy packages and doors,
as well as not walking 20 feet ahead of me on the street. Boys and girls in the 1960s in Catholics schools learned manners from the nuns. Even in high school, we had guidelines on dating manners, and in college, we had a
course on "finishing". This sounds like the Jurassic Age to most, but I am concerned. I think the lack of manners
is causing a barbarism among the younger ones. Women who are traditional Catholics should be able to expect a higher degree of respect from their male counterparts.
Young women, do not settle for less. Do not go out, or date, rude men. They will only get worse.
They are predators who only think of their own needs.
The cell phone is part of the problem. When I am talking with someone, it is very rude to me that the texting and messaging interrupts good conversation. Thankfully, some young people have been taught this is rude, but for the
vast majority, this is not the case.
I text maybe ten times a week and mostly on skype, rather than my phone number. I realize this is unthinkable for most teens and university students who talk on the phone hours by texting. To text while in a conversation with another is just plain rude.
I cannot be bothered and nothing is THAT important. Plus, if I want to talk with a friend, I try and meet up with them for coffee. That is called relating in the real world.
Texting is anti-social. Thankfully, when I was teaching, the colleges had rules about turning off cell-phones in the classrooms and if not, we instructors were allowed to put it in our syllabi, which I did . (My last teaching job ended in December of 2010).
But the lack of manners is serious. Catholic girls should not even
think of dating a young man with bad manners. This is a serious
problem reflecting a disrespect. Such small things as coughing and yawning without covering one's mouth, or talking with a mouth full of
food, or not waiting for all to sit down to start eating form some of
these criticisms. Fast food has ruined manners. Cursing is rude
behavior, as well as sinful. In fact, if a man is living a virtuous life,
he will not exhibit rudeness.
Not dressing for an occasion is rude as well. Jeans do not belong at Sunday Mass, and I notice even men older than myself wearing
designer jeans at the TLM. I find this very odd. Do they not care how
they look? They look like old hippies, even at the TLM. They are being rude to God, the Trinity.
I have noticed in Europe that there are certain groups of men whose manners are worse than others. Sadly, the Irish young men have
horrible manners, but so do many older Irish men, even of my
generation or older. The typical situation is a complete absence of the awareness of a real need of any woman. And, the roughness of
speaking, which I have noticed, indicates a lack of gentility and respect. Some young Irish women have told me
they would never marry an Irish man for some of these reasons. What has happened cannot be blamed on these
girls and women from good families, which are used to manners.
I witness the lack of manners daily. Smoking in front of people without asking is a huge problem here. Where I come from, and in England, a person asks if it is fine to smoke in front of others. Not here. Also, men do not put a woman first in lines, or open doors, or allow a woman to walk on the pavement rather than the street. Even traditional Irish Catholic men lack manners. Coming from a background and class where manners are the rule of the day, I notice these things.
Some of the problems are ethnic. American men from the Mid-West are some of the most polite men in the world. So too are English men.
Some of the worst examples of a lack of manners are found in men from the Middle-East and Asia-except for the Japanese
men I have met, who are very mannerly. I am sorry, but I have much experience in the world and this is a truism. Where there is not Christianity, there is more rudeness.
There are many old people walking on the streets and in
Church. It pains me to see them struggle without help. Even ancient women who are alone are no longer helped with doors,
or even noticed. I try to help when I can. I see these old women and old men, as well, standing in buses. I give them my seat.
It is a sign of decadence that the old are not honored. The old
are invisible to the young. This is not Christianity.
My concern is the growing brutality towards women which
goes unnoticed. The attacks in Cairo and others places during
the recent demonstrations indicate a growing hatred of women. The experiences of some students regarding their ex-boyfriends is another. There are too many violent men. Violence can be demonstrated in body language and words as well. Rudeness
is a type of violence. Listen to how people speak to one another. It makes me sad.
I believe the age of chivalry is long gone, and I believe that unless a man is dedicated to honour and love Mary, a Catholic young woman should not give him the time of day, as we say in the States.
The Blessed Mother conquered Europe, and civilized men through their devotion to her. Most men who have this devotion are mannerly, polite and respectful. Without a love of the Queen of Heaven and Earth in his heart, a man is not an entire man.
I praise those men who love Mary.The difference is obvious. What I do not understand are the Irish men who pray the rosary and are very rude. I just do not understand. Three men were rude yesterday while praying the rosary, or in line at church. Amazing, rudeness in church. Men have slipped into selfish preoccupation with the man's own comfort. Men have lost the ability to be uncomfortable and suffer for the sake of another.
Accepting and absorbing suffering is a sign of a mature man, a gentleman and a protector.
Piety and devotion mean nothing if the inner person is not changed. Such things become superstitions if not connected to the daily examination of conscience.
Chivalry crossed national boundaries at one time. Ethnicity made no difference. There was a nobility of mind and
heart which changed the course of history. Europe has lost this awareness and desire for gentility. We are
becoming, and are already in some areas, barbarians.
I shall quote Blessed John Henry Cardinal Newman again on this subject. Mothers, teach your children. Fathers,
honor the wife and mother of your children. This is how they learn.
A Definition of a Gentleman
It is almost a definition of a gentleman to say he is one who never
inflicts pain. This description is both refined and, as far as it goes,
accurate. He is mainly occupied in merely removing the obstacles
which hinder the free and unembarrassed action of those about him;
and he concurs with their movements rather than takes the initiative
himself. His benefits may be considered as parallel to what are
called comforts or conveniences in arrangements of a personal
nature: like an easy chair or a good fire, which do their part in
dispelling cold and fatigue, though nature provides both means of
rest and animal heat without them. The true gentleman in like
manner carefully avoids whatever may cause a jar or a jolt in the minds of those with whom he is cast; —
all clashing of opinion, or collision of feeling, all restraint, or suspicion, or gloom, or resentment; his great concern
being to make every one at their ease and at home. He has his eyes on all his company; he is tender towards the
bashful, gentle towards the distant, and merciful towards the absurd; he can recollect to whom he is speaking; he
guards against unseasonable allusions, or topics which may irritate; he is seldom prominent in conversation, and
never wearisome. He makes light of favours while he does them, and seems to be receiving when he is conferring.
He never speaks of himself except when compelled, never defends himself by a mere retort, he has no ears for
slander or gossip, is scrupulous in imputing motives to those who interfere with him, and interprets every thing for
the best. He is never mean or little in his disputes, never takes unfair advantage, never mistakes personalities or
sharp sayings for arguments, or insinuates evil which he dare not say out. From a long-sighted prudence, he
observes the maxim of the ancient sage, that we should ever conduct ourselves towards our enemy as if he were
one day to be our friend. He has too much good sense to be affronted at insults, he is too well employed to
remember injuries, and too indolent to bear malice. He is patient, forbearing, and resigned, on philosophical
principles; he submits to pain, because it is inevitable, to bereavement, because it is irreparable, and to death,
because it is his destiny. If he engages in controversy of any kind, his disciplined intellect preserves him from the
blunder.
From
The Idea of a University, 1852
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