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Tuesday 11 June 2013

More on The Three Ps

A reader asked me to go over the characteristics of men who are Predators, Peter Pans or Protectors.

I have written about this for a long time, and most of my knowledge is from teacher training for at-risk-students, when we learned about predators, and from experience, as well as helping out with marriage prep in the Church in years past. I also took counseling courses in the past for jobs in the Church which demanded such skills in order to refer people on to professionals as needed. These categories have moved out of counseling classes into the popular parlance.

Firstly, however, a number of pastors and a famous psychiatrist also talked to me about such terms for the categories as earlier at 1994, when I was working with people with marriage irregularities in a parish. I shall give a lay person's interpretation of the terms as succinctly as I can. I am NOT describing illnesses or conditions such as bipolar or other such things. I am not describing clinical Personality Disorders, although this traits could be found in such persons. I am not getting into clinical definitions of such.

Secondly, one can, by observation of habits and character, determine if a man falls into one of these three categories. I am not talking about male children, but adult men. The signs are not always obvious, at first.

Not seeing the obvious may be a problem in figuring out the evil character of the predator male. He is the one who sees women as sex objects, women as merely to be used for money or status, and is a man who manipulates for his own gain in this life. Such a man is one who marries for money and not love. Such a man wants a trophy wife who makes him look good in public.

He is also a bully and domineering, sucking life out of the women around him, whom he frequently charms at first before showing his true nastiness. A predator is selfish to the core and expects a woman to do what he wants to do. Sadly, he has learned the tricks to make women do what he wants, and he is used to his own way. Sometimes, this type of man is an adulterer or philanderer, as he is into power, not love. He is a liar.

If a young woman is beginning to think her boyfriend is a liar, get out of the relationship. Lying is a sign of a predator.

There are too many predators. If a young woman feels like she is giving her will over to such a man, she should get out of the relationship now. Too many young women want to please a man so badly that they fall into the predators' traps.

Predators only care about their own needs and cannot love. Frequently, they are also violent in speech, and even in action. Predators in families create domestic abuse. Too often women who are victims protect these predators, which is absolutely the wrong thing to do, as this status gives them more power.

Predators can seem charming, but hints are sexual aggressiveness, rudeness, and self-centeredness. Sadly, some cultures teach men to be predators. You can figure out which ones do this.

Peter Pans are the perpetual adolescent boy-men. They, also, are frequently narcissistic but in reality mostly non-committal, and use women to feed their need for a mommy. Peter Pans take no responsibility for themselves and constantly blame others either in the now or in the past for their faults and failures.

The Peter Pan is the man women love to take care of--ick. These men, again, seem charming and boyish, and exciting, as they seem unusual, but in reality they have not grown up spiritually or emotionally. In a marriage, they manipulate the women into doing everything to keep the marriage going, and see themselves as victims. A Peter Pan wants to create an environment where he has no responsibility. He rarely takes control of his life, much less that of a family. He may not ever want to get married, as that state would interfere with his constant boyhood life.

Many times Peter Pans start getting involved in a relationship with a woman leading to marriage, but then, break it off, as they get scared of the responsibility. If married, this type of man sometimes cannot cope with children, as he want to be the kid in the family. Peter Pans cannot discipline, as they have no self-discipline.

Modern Western Civilization is full of Peter Pans, and I know many. They do not fulfill the call to grow up into the persons God created them to be. They are sad, really. Many are "mama boys", and one does not want to marry a man who puts his mother before his wife.

Protectors are from God. They are men who have pursued their spiritual life and have become adults. They are not afraid of responsibility or being religious. They are usually trained from little on to be a man, but not always. I have known Protectors who came from awful family situations. Grace is freely given.

Protectors are exemplified in two men I know who gave up the careers they wanted to do in order to pursue careers which they knew would support a wife and as many children as God would give them. One is a doctor and the other a surgeon, and they have lots of lovely Catholic children and now, grandchildren.

They sacrificed dreams for being husbands and fathers, and God has blessed them. They are providers and men of sacrifice. A man who is willing to sacrifice his own comfort for that of his wife and children is a Protector.

Another Protector I know took care of his mother and  three siblings after the father left home, never to return. This good Protector watched over his mother until she died in her nineties. His wife told me that he was her Protector as well, of course.

Protector men help their children to be saints and good citizens. They take an active part in the raising of the children, and also help the wife have time to pursue her prayer and daily Bible reading. They have a personal relationship with God and understand the role of the man as head of the family.

If you are single and you bump into a single Protector, you will recognize the courtesy and gentlemanly behavior he exhibits towards you.

Young women, if you are dating someone who is not a gentleman, get out of that relationship. Do not think that you can change a Peter Pan or Predator into a Protector.

Only God can do that.

One of my favorite movies as a young person was The Man from Snowy River. The man in the story, Jim Craig, has to earn the right to have his land. He works to earn his rightful inheritance, horses, and finally, a wife. Good order, that. He became a Protector as he grew up.

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From the CCC on dress and the reception of Holy Communion

Respect is NOT short-shorts, or very short skirts or sweaters over leggings......

see these all here and in Ireland...

not modest

1387 To prepare for worthy reception of this sacrament, the faithful should observe the fast required in their Church.220 Bodily demeanor (gestures, clothing) ought to convey the respect, solemnity, and joy of this moment when Christ becomes our guest.

Would not work here in Kent

Modesty is a Virtue

Part Two for today on modesty--

We speak with our bodies more than our words. Modesty is a virtue. It is a virtue in the depth of the soul and connected to prudence, temperance, chastity, charity, and discretion.

Modesty lets one decrease and God increase, as St. John the Baptist spoke of himself and Christ.

If modesty is a virtue, and it is, why is it not cultivated? Why is it ignored? 

Why is there confusion? It is an intuition which comes from the interior of the Holy Spirit. If the intuition is lacking, why? It is about respect for one's self and one's brothers and sisters in the Lord. 

Women create unhealthy curiosity, and if a woman dresses like a man, she might be a cause of temptation for a woman with ssa. 

The interior life shines forth to the exterior.

The forms taken by modesty vary from one culture to another. Everywhere, however, modesty exists as an intuition of the spiritual dignity proper to man. It is born with the awakening consciousness of being a subject. Teaching modesty to children and adolescents means awakening in them respect for the human person (CCC 2524).

Modesty protects the mystery of persons and their love. It encourages patience and moderation in loving relationships; it requires that the conditions for the definitive giving and commitment of man and woman to one another be fulfilled. Modesty is decency. It inspires one's choice of clothing. It keeps silence or reserve where there is evident risk of unhealthy curiosity. It is discreet (CCC 2522).

Some ideas here

Michelle Malkin Wants This Passed Around

Modesty and Evangelization

Well, the most angry and strident comments are ALWAYS on this topic.

Both here and in the States, there are wonderful young women between 18-36 who have been called to the New Evangelization. Many get degrees and certifications in catechesis from colleges and universities. I have worked with some of these women in the past.

They are smart and savvy about the teaching of the Church. They love Christ and His People.

But, too often, in fact frequently, they belie their commitment to God and their own femininity with choice of their clothes.

In my work with youth, I have attended workshops and even presentations, as well as been involved in street  ministry with youth who have serious issues concerning dress.

Here is a partial list:
leggings under short skirts or shorts
tight jeans
low cut tops and tops which show the midriff
sloppy rugby or football shirts
dumping jeans
blouses which fall off one shoulder
tight sleeveless tops
boho syle, which is messy
bling or what are called harem sandals
occultic symbols in earrings and bracelets

and so on.

These obvious signs reveal two problems which indicated a lack of interior conversion. In the old days, one could not be in ministry so many years after conversion in order to get the world out of one's soul. The time was usually two years.

The two problems are these: one, some young women HATE femininity in themselves, and see this gift of God as weakness. These women need healing or some type of psychology awareness of this hatred of themselves which is revealed in the wearing of men's clothing, such as football jerseys and boy cut jeans.

A woman shall not wear a man's garment, nor shall a man put on a woman's cloak, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord your God. Deuteronomy 22:5

The second problem is that some of these women are coming out of highly sexualized lives and have not been weaned from sexy clothes.

Likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire. 1 Timothy 2:9

It is the duty of those who are training them for evangelization to bring these young women to the realization that such dress is contrary to Christian womanhood.

We live in a pagan culture, not a Christian culture. Why do we conform to pagan dress? If a woman is drawing attention to herself sexually, or in a messy manner, she is not evangelizing the Gospel I know. She is advertising herself.

We speak with our bodies more than with our words.

I do not listen to them. I do not support their groups.

Something is wrong.

And, here is a website for modest clothing.

New Bishop for East Anglia

NO surprises here.

Bishop Elect Alan Hopes, we pray for you. Photo is from James Bradley

 had the news first

A New Sem for Brentwood

A young man I know, Paschal Uche, the youth with the smile who greeted Pope Benedict XVI when he came to England, is going in for Brentwood.

Pray for him.

Thomas Aquinas Two


In the last post, one sees that Thomas is quoting Boethius, the Scriptures and Gregory the Great. Thomas is calling up the long tradition of the Church to help us understand contemplation.

Contemplation is not for beginners.  I repeat the passage:

The contemplative life consists in a certain liberty of mind. For Gregory says (Hom. iii in Ezech.) that "the contemplative life obtains a certain freedom of mind, for it thinks not of temporal but of eternal things." And Boethius says (De Consol. v, 2): "The soul of man must needs be more free while it continues to gaze on the Divine mind, and less so when it stoops to bodily things." Wherefore it is evident that the active life does not directly command the contemplative life, but prescribes certain works of the active life as dispositions to the contemplative life; which it accordingly serves rather than commands. Gregory refers to this when he says (Hom. iii in Ezech.) that "the active life is bondage, whereas the contemplative life is freedom."

The liberty of mind has come from the purification found in the two stages of purifying of the senses and of the spirit, found in the Dark Night of the Soul.

This happens several stages after the purification of sin and sinful habits.

Note the chart posted last Thursday.

Now, John of the Cross plainly states, as I noted yesterday, that some people get upset with those who pursue this life of constant communion with God.

Those who are enslaved to the bondage of trivia want to bring everyone else down to their level.

I was struggling with someone in authority being mean to me last year. A priest said, simply, "Focus on Christ". At first, I was upset with a phrase I thought was not only naive, but underestimating the problem. I was like Martha, complaining about my sister in Christ. I did not see that I could have been forgetting about her, and, instead, concentrating on the one thing which mattered-Christ's Love.

Then, I saw the soundness of this advice. If I kept focused on Christ, I no longer saw the meanness, and I was united in the Passion, as Christ was treated very badly. But, I only had to look at Christ, not at my own pathetic suffering. What resulted, after a long time, was a quiet joy.

This is why one must surround one's self with those who love God and want to live in that love.

One of the most horrible distractions is money, and this may be counteracted with trust in Divine Providence, as noted above in the first quotation from Gregory.

I have left the blue links on in New Advent for your benefit. 

To be continued....

Thomas Aquinas Series ONE and ONE-HALF

In this series, I want to concentrate on prayer and Thomas Aquinas. It seems to me in this terrible time of the destructive of Western Civilization by those very people elected to protect it, that we need to focus on the interior life, as I did in the perfection series, remembering that only a relationship with God will bring us through tribulation to God.

Thomas Aquinas was all but forgotten after the upheavals in seminaries and Catholic higher education after Vatican II. I know this from experience.

I shall share that later.

Today, I want to start with a bit of Thomas from the Summa Theologica on contemplation 2:2;82.1. And this numbering is how I shall do references in this series-Second Part of the Second Part, Question 82, Article 1.

The contemplative life consists in a certain liberty of mind. For Gregory says (Hom. iii in Ezech.) that "the contemplative life obtains a certain freedom of mind, for it thinks not of temporal but of eternal things." And Boethius says (De Consol. v, 2): "The soul of man must needs be more free while it continues to gaze on the Divine mind, and less so when it stoops to bodily things." Wherefore it is evident that the active life does not directly command the contemplative life, but prescribes certain works of the active life as dispositions to the contemplative life; which it accordingly serves rather than commands. Gregory refers to this when he says (Hom. iii in Ezech.) that "the active life is bondage, whereas the contemplative life is freedom."

As you all can see, this could be part of the perfection series, but I want the flexibility to depart from that theme.

What Thomas states here is that paying attention to the interior life and being in communion with God gives one objectivity regarding actions. When one is concentrating on God, all else falls into focus. Most commonly, people allow the active life to take over the mind, heart, soul to the detriment of spiritual growth.

How many conversations does one need on food, travel, daily trivia?

The danger of losing one's soul forever frequently lies in the over indulgence of attention to the actions of the day, rather than being reflective.  A disposition of quiet listening to God even during work hours develops this ability to stay in the Presence of God, even though one does not experience Him. He is there and one's Faith reaches out for relationship.

The activities of the day can be secondary and still done well to the interior life.

Gregory's comment, quoted by Thomas, the the active life is bondage seems obvious to me.

Silence creates freedom.

We all talk too much and talk too much on useless topics. Silence allows God to talk to us. 

Are we listening? We must.

Now, in the Dark Night, one does not hear God or perceive His Presence, but rests in the passive purification, like Mary of Bethany at the feet of Jesus.

Thomas uses this pericope to show that the contemplative is the higher state, no quantitatively but qualitatively.

Martha could have been in contemplation while she was working, and if she was, she would not have criticized Mary/

This freedom of thought is key and is connected to what John of the Cross states is the loss of memory of all but God.

We do not need to think of the Marys if we are Marthas who remain in contemplation when working. The nuns do this in Tyburn. It is possible to be very busy and recollected in silence. But, one must concentrate on God and not on anyone or anything else. The work flows from the contemplation.

to be continued...

Nostalgic Moment

Home schooling memories.....

Twenty-two years ago, I was crawling on the floor doing all these fun things...

Blog of the week

I am going to highlight a blog I like weekly for awhile. This is the second one under this title Blog of the Week, although I have posted others of late.